Sunday, August 30, 2009

Dennis Quaid is here!

This is old, but young with hilarity.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Agh! I love Steven Colbert!

Thank you to Anthony for posting this. I really needed to hear it. And I needed to love Steven Colbert a little more. Not really, but it certainly didn't hurt. (Oops, I didn't credit the original source where you can read the whole speech in its entirety:

Say “yes.” In fact, say “yes” as often as you can. When I was starting out in Chicago, doing improvisational theatre with Second City and other places, there was really only one rule I was taught about improv. That was, “yes-and.” In this case, “yes-and” is a verb. To “yes-and.” I yes-and, you yes-and, he, she or it yes-ands. And yes-anding means that when you go onstage to improvise a scene with no script, you have no idea what’s going to happen, maybe with someone you’ve never met before. To build a scene, you have to accept. To build anything onstage, you have to accept what the other improviser initiates on stage. They say you’re doctors — you’re doctors. And then, you add to that: We’re doctors and we’re trapped in an ice cave. That’s the “-and.” And then hopefully they “yes-and” you back. You have to keep your eyes open when you do this. You have to be aware of what the other performer is offering you, so that you can agree and add to it. And through these agreements, you can improvise a scene or a one-act play. And because, by following each other’s lead, neither of you are really in control. It’s more of a mutual discovery than a solo adventure. What happens in a scene is often as much a surprise to you as it is to the audience.

Well, you are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what’s going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say “yes.” And if you’re lucky, you’ll find people who will say “yes” back. Now will saying “yes” get you in trouble at times? Will saying “yes” lead you to doing some foolish things? Yes it will. But don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes.”

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I have a lot to say about Target today. (refer to the name of this blog)

Sometimes when I'm at Target I think if there was an earthquake or a hostage takeover at that very moment it would be okay because I would have everything I ever wanted to keep me happy and occupied for six months minimum. Except my family, you know what I mean. And you know what? In those few months I bet I'd never stop finding things I didn't know I needed but suddenly cannot live without. AND I'd be dressed adorably. But at the Target I went to today there is a rogue shopping cart collector who does NOT SPEAK and will NOT BE SPOKEN TO, and maybe I don't really understand what rogue means, but trust me when I tell you he's totally rogue. He looks like something out of Blade Runner and MAYBE HE IS, because Blade Runner took place in Los Angeles!! And he is doing menial work!! Anyway, he has this electric shopping cart collector machine that I didn't realize before is RUN BY HIS MIND, but now I DO know this, because I asked him if I could give him my cart, and by "him" I meant his shopping cart collector RUN BY HIS MIND and of course he didn't speak he just kind of nodded in my general direction, and when I tried to put it in his machine RUN BY HIS MIND the thing took off as I was pushing it and it almost took me with it!! I have no idea how he did that being that he was at least 15 feet from it, except that I DO know because it was RUN BY HIS MIND!!

But before all that happened I went to pick up some pictures I had printed out there. I went to pay and I notice that the guy who was helping me had printed on his name tag: Cousin Joey. I don't know whether to love him or wince. I mean it could be adorable or crazy. It's anybody's guess. I guess I acted a little confused about the total amount and because he mentions the taxes. And then he says, "Some of your money has to go to cousin Arnold!" And he winks at me and hands me the receipt. He didn't say Uncle Sam, he said cousin Arnold. The guy is definitely crazy! But here's the kicker: ALSO adorable.

I love Target.

Monday, August 17, 2009

This is quickly becoming a Steven Tyler blog

I have always maintained that Steven Tyler looks like my 86 year old aunt and now I have proof. I wish to God I had a picture of my aunt so I could put these two pictures side by side but for now you'll just have to: 1. Trust me and 2. Be horrified.

Dude looks like a really old lady? I'm sorry! So obvious! (I swear I do love him, I'm just reporting the facts.)

Sunday, August 16, 2009

One man's chili is another man's...

Harper and I drove into the Trader Joe's parking lot, where on the outside wall of the store they have a fanciful depiction of various types of vegetables and spices. One of the designs on the wall I guess was a chili, I'm still not sure, but apparently to Harper it looked like a penis. Now, mind you, I hadn't seen any of the artwork yet when I heard her ask me, confused, from the back of the car, "Do we eat penises??" I, again, had no idea where this was coming from, and I was just grateful that she hadn't started pre-school yet so I didn't have to wonder who she was spending her time with that may give her the idea that it might be possible to eat a penis. So I just told her NO NO NO, we definitely DON'T eat penises and what gave her that idea? She didn't really have an answer, but as we got out and started walking into the store she pointed up to the cut out on the wall. "Is that a penis?" That's when I pieced it together that she wasn't molested, she was just a victim to a poor rendition of a chili. I told her it wasn't a penis, although, she was right, it did kind of look like one. I mean, I didn't want her to think she was crazy! She had a fair point, might as well let her know. She kept looking at it. "Is it a WORM? That would be crazy! We don't eat WORMS!" Dear Trader Joe's artist: I'm sorry.

In other news today, Clyde grabbed my face and kissed it. Brett said that kid is magic, and I am here to tell you, he is RIGHT.

Monday, August 10, 2009

This is a long story! Be warned! A long euphoric story!

Rick Springfield has been met!!!!

To give you some perspective, this is what I look like posing for a picture without Rick in it:

Now that you have an idea, this is what I look like posing for a picture WITH Rick Springfield!!!:

Now, let's calm down while I take us back just a bit in the story. For those of you unfamiliar with my Rick Springfield life story, suffice it to say I spent about 4 of my formative years loving Rick Springfield (read: escaping from my adolescence) and convincing myself that I was going to marry him. The idea of which would send my mother into a rage yelling at me, "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO MARRY RICK SPRINGFIELD!!!" as if this was a possibility. As if this fifteen year old girl from Palo Alto was going to meet and then marry a 36 year old pop sensation who was touring the world. (I totally thought I would.) But if there was one thing my mother was always good at, it was squashing dreams. Well, you're good at what you enjoy, you understand. At this point I find this quality of hers funny, so I thought, why not call my mother before I meet him to see in what manner she will be wholly unsupportive. Here are the results:

Me: Mom, I'm going to meet Rick Springfield tonight. He's having a CD signing and meeting everyone who buys a CD.

Her: (a beat where her psyche builds up all the sarcasm it can muster) Well, I am THRILLED for you. What are you going to say? (mimicking I guess me? In a cloying, annoying tone) "Oh, I've loved you for so many years! I'm just so excited to meet you! Blah blah blah."

She delivered! At some point I told her it wasn't about getting excited about Rick Springfield (a concern she delivered) it was about getting excited for the person who is excited about Rick Springfield. When I told that to my friend Sophia she said she wanted to get that put on a t-shirt. I would wear that shirt.

Let's get to the important part! I went there with my BFF Laura and I was VERY nervous about what I would say to him. I wanted to convey to him how much he meant to me, but I didn't want to appear crazy. I asked Brett earlier what he thought of various things I was thinking of saying and most of it was negated due to: craziness! Apparently telling him I think of him as family is crazy! I had a feeling, but I wasn't sure! Exclamation points for nerves!! To add to the nerves, my friend Sussy had recently made me an INCREDIBLE craft of a felt/embroidered/handsewn picture of Rick dreaming about rescuing cats with me. Now, do I just say a simple, "Thank you for the music." And then pull out the picture and say, "My friend made a picture of you dreaming about rescuing cats with me, can you sign it??" THAT'S crazy, right? But that's the one thing that Brett AND Laura approved! I'm so confused about what's crazy and what isn't in regards to Rick Springfield! I asked them what if I said, "I hope I don't sound crazy, but I've got a picture of you dreaming about rescuing cats with me?" And Laura said whatever I do don't talk about being crazy. I said that's the one thing I'm sure I HAVE to do.

Guys, this is a long entry, but suffice it to say there are a bunch of VERY angry Rick Springfield fans out there. After about 15 minutes of being in their midst I realized if Rick Springfield is worried about my craziness then he's pretty much spending all of his time worried about everyone who loves him. So right after I took the picture with him, I suddenly thought I HAVE to do it! I HAVE to show him the picture of him and me and the cats. So I said, "Can I show you something?" To which he said, "Sure!" (He's so nice!) And I said, "I hope this doesn't sound crazy..." At which point he DID look concerned that I was crazy! Laura was right, I should NOT have mentioned craziness. Here he is VERY concerned about what's in my bag:

But I barreled ahead and showed him the picture and he LOVED it!!! (Thank you Sussy!! I'm linking to you again for double gratitude!!) Look at his face! He LOVES it!!

And then he asked me if I wanted him to sign it! HE asked ME! I thought we'd just take a picture together with it. I said no. Hahaha! That's a joke! I said yes!

And now look at how genuinely happy he is when he takes the picture with it! (Note to readers: you don't have to take in how I look like I am clutching to the picture for dear life.)

I wish you could see the intricacies of this amazing picture. It delighted me and Rick Springfield alike! What a night! He was so great and the next time we meet I'll tell him how much I love him and that he should come over for Thanksgiving. I HAVE LEARNED NOTHING.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Polly Berrien Berends

If your children see that you are seeking, they will seek—the finding part is up to God.

(via Le Jane Fonds.)

Friday, August 7, 2009

Oh, Steven.

I love Steven Tyler a lot more than the next gal, but this is hilarious.

Best John Hughes story yet.

Suckas! Sorry, you didn't deserve that. Follow this link!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Rescue Me

I used to enjoy this show. Now this is what a typical episode looks like:

Some type of objectification of a woman.

Some completely unrealistic sexual encounter happens with Denis Leary or the older chubby guy.

Some mostly annoying but occasionally funny dialogue about sex and/or poop.

Some even more unrealistic sexual encounter with Denis Leary happens.

Something offensive about alcoholics happens.

Some brave depiction of firefighters that warms the heart and is supposed to make up for the fact that everyone associated with this show hates women.